30 Weeks

Last week we found out our boy had flipped from his previously super low, head down position to head up. That would explain all the hard poking protrusions that've been happening around my belly button the last little while! Our midwife is not at all concerned; it's still early, but I've become preoccupied with getting him to flip back. I've done forward leaning inversions, breech tilts, knee to chest, child's pose--all the exercises. I'm trying not to let worry overtake me, but I want the best for him, obviously. After a few days of research I started feeling bad that something I'd done had caused him to be breech, like holding the baby on my hip at work, standing for too long during the day or having bad posture, not sitting with my knees low all the time...any old thing. Andy has been so sweet through all of it. He reminds me that it's not a big deal right now, it's not my fault, I'm trying my best to help him switch back and if he doesn't, we'll figure that out when the time comes. He's been saying this is a great first lesson in parenting: you can't (and shouldn't) control your child. So, sweet boy, here's my promise to let you do your own thing for a while longer and try not to worry in the meantime. 

With less than 10 weeks to go now, I've started to think more about my upcoming labour. It is scary and intimidating to be staring down the barrel of an experience I know is so intense, long, physically taxing and painful. That preconception is a pretty big hurdle for pregnant women to overcome, I think. I believe that my body can do it, just as it's grown our boy so well so far without my input. Mentally I think there's some things to work through for myself. Having had 7 kidney stone attacks requiring narcotics to control, I feel wary about birthing a human head when tiny stones have given me so much grief. At the same time, even my midwives have expressed that passing kidney stones is worse than labour, so I feel maybe a little reassured that I've done a "harder" version 7 times, and without the reward of a newborn baby at the finish line. Part of me doesn't believe it's more painful, though. (How can it be? Maybe they just started saying that to make us feel better when we're crying and moaning and writhing around because something 3mm wide is trying to exit our bodies.) Our boy being breech for the time being has also brought up some feelings about c-sections I didn't anticipate. 

All in all, lots of thinking and reading going on here, and I'm feeling ready to prepare more for labour. We are really getting to the home stretch now! I'm so beyond excited to finally see and kiss your face, little guy. My little love.


I am 28 weeks now which means we're in the home stretch, little guy. I'm trying to remember and write down all the things that are changing as the weeks go by. My belly button is still half in, half out—will it ever pop? It's funny to think back only 10 weeks ago when your movements were so subtle I had to lie really still on my back to even know for sure if I was feeling them. Now I feel you all day long no matter what I'm doing, your back always wiggling right under my belly button. Your body is big and you make waves under my skin and sometimes you freak me out but mostly I love it and feel fascinated with you. You're funny already.

I'm dreaming a lot about what kind of life you'll have, and what kind of life your dad and I can provide for you. We know we won't have a lot and that feels a little scary, especially right now, but we'll always have each other, our family, and we'll always work our hardest and do our very best to provide opportunities for you to grow into an empathetic, creative and generous man.

What will you be like when you're here? I pray you are peaceful. Wide-eyed. Full of laughter and a heart for others. Sweet boy, you're already our greatest achievement and biggest joy.